Sunday, August 23, 2009
tomorrow
Kaplan, tomorrow is your first day of K4. you will be going to school every day now, and mama is kind of sad. i know you'll love it. i know it will be good for you. i also know that i will miss you very much, and that giving up our "pajama mondays" will make me sad. am i rushing you to be to be a big kid? you will be starting "real" school way to soon for my liking anyway. there is so much change going on in your little life right now- a new house, daddy going back to work, mommy feeling bad, a new baby sister on the way- and i hope and pray that i am doing the right thing. i love you, sweet baby. you are growing up way too fast.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
the first post
since i am obviously not going to be very good at keeping up with my children's baby books, maybe this will be a way to journal our lives.
So....up to this point. this summer has been crappy. and blessed, too. Jeremy finally got a new job about a month ago. it is just a job, with a paycheck and insurance. we are very, very thankful. It's hard to adjust our lifestyle, but it's not as hard as i thought. i love this little rental house. not where i want to live forever, but i truly feel this is where God wants us right now. I love having neighbors that drive by and wave. i love having friends right down the street. i love the idea of people just dropping in to bring us food :) . We will get used to it. i was most worried about the move on Kaplan, but he seems to be adjusting just fine. i think that jeremy and i have tried to make it more of an adventure than a change. SO hard for me to leave the house on Bellewood. i feel like such a failure. i am struggling with the feelings of guilt and shame that come with this house maybe being foreclosed on. is there anything else we could have done? Yes. we could not have been such impulsive dumbasses and built such a big, expensive house. I could have found another prn job and worked every night in order to pay the mortgage. but then i would have missed out on life with J and Kaplan and probably wouldn't be carrying Georgia now because something terrible would have happened. Perspective. I think God is using this to His Glory. i KNOW He is. This is a great lesson to me and J and one that we needed to learn- He had to knock us to our knees for us to cry out to Him and realize that He is the one and only thing we need. i think looking back at this i will see that all of this mess has happened for a couple of reasons:
1. to make us grateful for what we have. Each other. Salvation. a beautiful, healthy, amazingly smart child that we would do anything for. We are amazed by him everyday. And the more i read the caringbridge websites and hear about other's problems, i see how minor ours really are and that there are lots of people would give anything to be in our place.
2. it's just stuff. see #1. a house is just a house. if i had the house and more money, but didn't have my family, it wouldn't mean anything at all.
3. The important things are lasting. the house stuff is temporary. we are only 31 (well, now i'm 32) and have plenty of time to rebuild our credit and if we choose, another home.
so here we are in the "new" normal. God is teaching me the value of priorities. There are still boxes everywhere, but they will be unpacked in time. for example, today i'm bumming on the couch because i need some rest and i need to spend some time with J. the boxes will wait.
and on to Georgia.....here is her story. We debated and prayed and went back and forth on having another baby. When my grandmother died, we realized that life is too short to put things off and immediately started praying for a baby, albeit with some reservations on both of our parts. After a few months, we realized that we may be headed down the same road that we did with Kaplan....a long, trying, infertile road filled with bumps and rocks and medicine and surgery. When we were brought to the place of having to sell the house and seeing Jeremy's job path going south, we felt that maybe He was just telling us to wait. we made all sorts of plans, like we would just wait until everything fell in place and the stars just magically lined up and then we would go back to Dr. Hines and try to have a kid. HA! As usual, life threw us a curveball. jeremy found out he was laid off for the 2nd time this year on April 1..and on April 4.........there were 2 pink lines. and a positive sign. Jeremy laughed and grinned and was so excited. I cried and cried and felt like an irresponsible teenager.
It took months- literally- for me to let myself get excited about this. I finally did realize that if we went through all that with Kaplan, and we had prayed for God's will in us having a baby and this was the time He chose to give us one..well, it was just meant to be.
Oh, how different this pregnancy has been. first of all, the crazy circumstances- J being laid off, me stressed and crying all the time....and oh my goodness, the sickness. i never felt that way with kaplan. i had just enough morning sickness with him to know something was going on. This has been a million times different. i think little girls do something evil to their mamas. i have never felt the nausea and tiredness that i have felt for the past 24 weeks. JUST NOW, literally the past 2 weeks, i am starting to feel human again.
i will come back and write about all the milestones up to this point. another day. Today i just sit in my little cozy house happy and grateful. God put me in this place and i am thankful and will bloom where i am planted.
So....up to this point. this summer has been crappy. and blessed, too. Jeremy finally got a new job about a month ago. it is just a job, with a paycheck and insurance. we are very, very thankful. It's hard to adjust our lifestyle, but it's not as hard as i thought. i love this little rental house. not where i want to live forever, but i truly feel this is where God wants us right now. I love having neighbors that drive by and wave. i love having friends right down the street. i love the idea of people just dropping in to bring us food :) . We will get used to it. i was most worried about the move on Kaplan, but he seems to be adjusting just fine. i think that jeremy and i have tried to make it more of an adventure than a change. SO hard for me to leave the house on Bellewood. i feel like such a failure. i am struggling with the feelings of guilt and shame that come with this house maybe being foreclosed on. is there anything else we could have done? Yes. we could not have been such impulsive dumbasses and built such a big, expensive house. I could have found another prn job and worked every night in order to pay the mortgage. but then i would have missed out on life with J and Kaplan and probably wouldn't be carrying Georgia now because something terrible would have happened. Perspective. I think God is using this to His Glory. i KNOW He is. This is a great lesson to me and J and one that we needed to learn- He had to knock us to our knees for us to cry out to Him and realize that He is the one and only thing we need. i think looking back at this i will see that all of this mess has happened for a couple of reasons:
1. to make us grateful for what we have. Each other. Salvation. a beautiful, healthy, amazingly smart child that we would do anything for. We are amazed by him everyday. And the more i read the caringbridge websites and hear about other's problems, i see how minor ours really are and that there are lots of people would give anything to be in our place.
2. it's just stuff. see #1. a house is just a house. if i had the house and more money, but didn't have my family, it wouldn't mean anything at all.
3. The important things are lasting. the house stuff is temporary. we are only 31 (well, now i'm 32) and have plenty of time to rebuild our credit and if we choose, another home.
so here we are in the "new" normal. God is teaching me the value of priorities. There are still boxes everywhere, but they will be unpacked in time. for example, today i'm bumming on the couch because i need some rest and i need to spend some time with J. the boxes will wait.
and on to Georgia.....here is her story. We debated and prayed and went back and forth on having another baby. When my grandmother died, we realized that life is too short to put things off and immediately started praying for a baby, albeit with some reservations on both of our parts. After a few months, we realized that we may be headed down the same road that we did with Kaplan....a long, trying, infertile road filled with bumps and rocks and medicine and surgery. When we were brought to the place of having to sell the house and seeing Jeremy's job path going south, we felt that maybe He was just telling us to wait. we made all sorts of plans, like we would just wait until everything fell in place and the stars just magically lined up and then we would go back to Dr. Hines and try to have a kid. HA! As usual, life threw us a curveball. jeremy found out he was laid off for the 2nd time this year on April 1..and on April 4.........there were 2 pink lines. and a positive sign. Jeremy laughed and grinned and was so excited. I cried and cried and felt like an irresponsible teenager.
It took months- literally- for me to let myself get excited about this. I finally did realize that if we went through all that with Kaplan, and we had prayed for God's will in us having a baby and this was the time He chose to give us one..well, it was just meant to be.
Oh, how different this pregnancy has been. first of all, the crazy circumstances- J being laid off, me stressed and crying all the time....and oh my goodness, the sickness. i never felt that way with kaplan. i had just enough morning sickness with him to know something was going on. This has been a million times different. i think little girls do something evil to their mamas. i have never felt the nausea and tiredness that i have felt for the past 24 weeks. JUST NOW, literally the past 2 weeks, i am starting to feel human again.
i will come back and write about all the milestones up to this point. another day. Today i just sit in my little cozy house happy and grateful. God put me in this place and i am thankful and will bloom where i am planted.
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